A Letter to My Child on How to Die Well

Fifteen times it is that I have had the privilege – the blessing – of having a child in my womb for the past almost 28 years. So very early on in life, the presence of this brand new soul is nearly undetectable. Yet, a little person is in fact there in his or her mother’s womb, full of promise and potential. Expectant parents usually have many hopes and dreams for the unborn child they await with much anticipation.

We enter into this season of Advent with our sights set on Bethlehem and the impending birth of the Child Jesus to Mary and Joseph. How incredibly dramatic and stark this scenario is when juxtaposed to that of what transpires on Mount Calvary 33 years later! Still – it was Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice on the cross and death which led to the glory of His resurrection on Easter morning and the redemption of mankind. Our hopes and dreams as parents must be founded on what is to come for it is the end which directs us toward the kind of life we live in the here-and-now.

It was St. Teresa of Avila, who said, “(E)verything passes so quickly that we should be thinking more about how to die than how to live.” What follows is a motherly missive I address to all my children (especially the oldest ones), who were simply entrusted to me by my Father God, about what I believe to be truly important in our brief life in this world.

My Dearest One,

How incredibly grateful I am to be able to call you that! You understand, of course, that I cannot call you my “favourite” one. To do that would be to imply that I cherish you more than everyone else. I can honestly say that I love and cherish you with all my heart – or at least I try my best to do so. (More on this later!) I love each of my children with my whole heart, including the three who were with us for such a short period of time. Nevertheless, each one was in my womb long enough to be most definitely a part of our family. You are all in my heart, every single one of you.

Life on Hyper-Speed

Looking at you as you are now, it almost seems as if life may have been on fast forward. I still remember having you in my womb all those years (and pounds!) ago. It was a joy to welcome you into the world – into our family. I could not believe how much God trusted your dad and me. You were a blessing then and you continue to be so to this day. Do you know that?

With so many things going on in your life and mine, it is easy to overlook the most important things which are almost never as flashy or viral as what you may see on social media. They may not seem as essential as the professional work you do, or as interesting as the entertainment you watch. Yet, these are what will almost certainly be what matters the most when you get to the end of the line.

Death is Not a Bad Word

Yes, I am talking about death bed considerations. Does that sound morbid? It really should not. Perhaps it is the last thing you would willingly think about on any given day, but it is one which merits a lot of careful thought and reflection. It is real and it is relevant. It is what our lives come down to: the keen awareness and understanding of how we have lived the life with which we were blessed determine how we exit from this world will be. This is inevitable and the one unavoidable thing in life for each one of us.

Bear with me here – there is a reason I am saying all these things which you may not care to think about right now. As with anything you were or are involved in, working towards a goal is helpful and necessary. It is good to have an end in sight because this helps us to determine the actions necessary for us to achieve this goal. It could have been a course in university, losing weight or being more fit, or starting a new job. This is true for many things, big and small, and it is true for our lives.

Where Your Treasure Is

You must have goals – professional and personal, maybe financial. I know you are very busy with the things you are involved in. I see how tired you are at times – many times. So tired, in fact, that you remind me of a phone or device which has completely run out of juice. You come home physically spent and mentally drained, but it is not always because of your work. You work hard but you also like to “max out” on having fun.  You are a dynamic go-getter outside the house, at work, and with friends. At home, many times we see a tired shell of ourselves, lacking energy and interest.

This begs the question: where is all of this taking you? Where are you headed? You pour your energies and talents into a job which leaves you drained and still find yourself wanting. There is more to work than just money or ambition. Good, honest work – whether it be physical or mental – is honourable. To be able to work is a privilege in many ways. We have the capacity to work and are entrusted with that responsibility. Yes, it is important to earn an income which allows us to support ourselves, but we must not lose sight of the fact that our work is also a service and help to others. It is easy to forget this and begin to think about how people should be grateful for what we do.

There is also a time and place for work. To work beyond what is necessary is to take our time and energy away from other important things in life, such as our family and ourselves. It is when we are so busy and barely have enough time to rest or do anything else that we most need to take a break and make time for those things which can help strengthen us from within. This is what family and good friends are for. Being with those whom we love and who love us help to fill our hearts and minds with what life is essentially all about.

Faith, Hope, and Love

When your dad and I were going to be married, the priest asked us if there were any particular readings from Scripture which we wanted to be part of the Holy Mass. I chose the following passage, for the wrong reasons:

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

 Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect; but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood. So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:1-13)

At that time – 28 years ago – I wanted to have this read during the Mass for our wedding because (1) it talked about love; and (2) I wanted your dad to hear it, learn from it, and take it to heart.  I cringe now at how proud I was, wanting to make sure my husband would hear what I thought he should hear, that I completely missed how I needed to hear those words much, much more than he ever did.

Just as importantly, I hope you will read that passage, which has continued to speak volumes to me every time I read it. I bring it my prayer and I think it will be meaningful for me until the day I die. At the moment of one’s death, it will no longer be important how many meetings one attended at work, how many levels one completed of a favourite game, how much one can bench, how much money one made or makes. It will only matter how one is loved. How did you live your life in love?

What Matters Most

Every moment of every day, we have opportunities to love others – those around us, placed by God in our lives especially, and those we encounter by chance or in the course of our everyday work or actions. (Try not to roll your eyes…..I do not mean that you have to start giving hugs and kisses to every single person you meet.) There is, after all, much more to love than the physical affection and “warm, fuzzy feelings” associated with it by popular culture.

It is about kindness and respect, patience and forgiveness. It is about not making rash judgements about others or saying the first thing which comes to mind when someone suddenly cuts in front of me on the highway. (This has to be one of the most difficult things for me, I will admit.) It is about choosing to forgive rather than holding a grudge. It is choosing to save a little bit of energy and time so I can be with the family and not look or sound like a zombie after work. It is playing another board game with your younger siblings when I would really much rather just put up my feet and relax. It is important to spend time with those we love because relationships take time and effort to become stronger – even within families. We cannot take family for granted because it is within our family that unconditional love can be experienced. We need to receive it and we need to give it.

Who Matters Most

Speaking of unconditional love – you have heard your dad and I say that there is nothing you can do which will make us stop loving you. Unfortunately, it does not mean we will go “quietly into the good night” when something goes wrong or someone messes up. We are just like everyone else: a work in progress. We aim to love unconditionally, in as much as our imperfect and extremely flawed selves can. We may get mad and say things we may (or may not) regret, but even that will run its course and we will continue to love you.

However, always remember that we as your parents are very poor reflections of the most perfect Love you will ever receive: God’s. We cannot hold a candle to Him. He beats all and cannot be outdone in generosity, kindness, mercy, and love. Every single blessing we have is from Him; all mistakes are ours alone. Of all the relationships you should prioritize, the one with God as your heavenly Father is the most important one. If we are talking about the ultimate goal in life, it really is to be with Him in heaven. He is real and He loves you and me.

For many, it is easy to choose “rest” on Sundays over going to Mass when one is mentally or physically exhausted from Monday to Friday/Saturday. Do not forget, though, that our spirits need to be refreshed and to rest in the best way possible. Consider this when making plans – to be with our Father God on Sundays is not so much an obligation as it is a gift. Make time to “talk” to Him because He knows what you need before you even know it. He is waiting for you to turn to Him. He loves you more than your dad and I ever could.

Life is a Marathon

Saint Paul said it best in his letter to Timothy:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing. (2Tim 4:7-8)

Our greatest responsibility as your parents is to bring you closer to God – that you get to heaven to be with Him. Three of your siblings died before we could meet them, but we loved them even without setting eyes on them. By virtue of God’s endless love and mercy, I believe that they are with Him in heaven. I want to go there too when my time on this earth is done. So, I try every day to love more. I make more mistakes than I can count every day, but I will not stop trying until I draw my last breath. It is a race worth running and finishing. Run along with me and do not let up.

Love,

Mom