Becoming an Engaged Catholic Father

After spending over 18 years in school, I never had a single class on parenting. Of course, how to take care of a child physically is straightforward. But how does one nurture a child to follow a moral path towards Christ? How do you parent with your Catholic formation was lacking?

Looking back on my performance as a father with my first child, my lack of preparation was evident. I made a lot of mistakes. Looking back, these were predictable mistakes. No matter how much I would like to go back and do things over, the die is cast.

With our fourth now 9 years old, my expectations are vastly different. The biggest changes in my approach are expectations with myself. I would offer these are expectations every father should have of himself. No one taught or mentored me when it came to parenting. I hope to share some insights about becoming an engaged Catholic father.

Start with Yourself

If you are going to be involved in your child’s Catholic faith formation, then you need to continue to grow as well. Set aside time for you to study and grow in the Catholic faith whether it be through listening to audiobooks, watching Catholic documentaries, or a self-study program. Read the Catechism of the Catholic Church.  Not easy reading, but worthwhile.  Seek out an accountability partner, a fellow Catholic male ideally with more experience who can help coach your continuing Catholic formation.

Just because you are confirmed does not mean you are done learning. You need to constantly improve your understanding.

Begin as an Infant

As parents, we often delay in teaching our children about Catholicism because of the belief that our children are not ready. Is this just an excuse for ourselves? Children have an amazing capacity to learn. In the U.S., I have heard people comment, “You are too young. Don’t take German until your in high school.” Really? Children in Germany start learning German & English almost immediately.

Beginning our children’s Catholic faith formation does not have to be formal classes or lessons. Start with your infant’s crib. Put a crucifix and a picture or statue of their patron saint in their room. These basic, but stalwart, signs of Catholicism will set the tone.

Take your infant to Mass. Do not use the excuse that they are too young or do not understand or are distracting. Frankly, young infants are the easiest to take to church because they typically sleep through much of Mass. Do not put them in a car carrier and stick them in the corner of the pew. Actually, hold them through Mass, carry them up to the Eucharist and allow them to receive a blessing. Let them hear the music. Let them smell the incense.

When you put your infant down for a nap or to bed for the evening, say a prayer. Not just quietly to yourself, but say the prayer aloud. Let your child hear your voice and the reverence.

Participating in Mass

As an infant turns into a toddler, it will become more difficult to be engaged in Mass. Often, the homilies are given at a high level that sometimes adults can not follow let alone a 4 or 5-year-old. But there are things that you can do as a parent to make Mass worthwhile for their children.

Start with expectations. I have watched toddlers play video games for 4 hours straight without taking a break, without going to the bathroom, without needing to get a sip of water, without having to take off their coat. If a child can do that, then they can sit through Mass without needing a snack or having a bathroom break. Set the expectation before you go to Mass that those behaviors are unacceptable. There is no reason a child must have a snack at church. Prepare them now for the fasting that will be expected of them when they take the Holy Eucharist.

Once you set the expectation that the child has to be engaged; then challenge them as to how to be engaged. Teach your child the Our Father. They should be able to say this with everyone during the Liturgy of the Eucharist. Teach them the Gloria so they can participate in the opening prayer. Teach them how to sing the songs and how to follow along. During the consecration of the Eucharist, remind your child that this is a special time to pay attention and kneel with you. Teach him that we are here to see Christ The King.

I concede that the homily is the most difficult part of the Mass for a young child. Engagement at the child’s level often requires some outside resources. There are countless Catholic picture books available today at many different levels. One of my children used to page through Catholic comic books from the 1950s & 1960s during the homily. Another option is to ask your child to share something learned or observed during Mass on the way home. It may be something as simple as incense or the color of the vestments. Sometimes it is something heard during the homily. Regardless, setting the challenge makes a child more attentive.

If your children are good reward them after Mass. This may sound superficial, but McDonald’s Happy Meals are a great prize for being attentive at Mass. Moreover, when a child has gotten his Happy Meal several weeks in a row and then loses the privilege, it makes an impression.

Yes, Dress Does Matter

People spend an inordinate amount of time and effort picking out the screen and decorative cover for their cell phones. However, when it comes to dressing for Mass, the lack of interest is obvious.  This is another situation where you must start with yourself.  If you spend extra effort to dress for a job interview or party, then spend as much time or more to prepare for Mass which is infinitely more important. When we go to Mass, we are going to see our King. We should dress accordingly.

We are blessed in a time where the Mass production of clothing allows us to actually have more than one shirt. As many have a closet full and a near-endless supply of trendy T-shirts, most of us can afford to have 1 set of modest dress clothes to wear to Mass.

Pass this onto your child.  Teach your child to prepare for Mass early so that he is not rushed. Have clothes for church set aside clean and folded. They should not be wrinkled up in a ball on the floor, they should be crisp and ready for church. Set the tone that Mass is something special because it is.

Learning Prayers

As a child, I was never taught a Prayer by any of my family members. The only prayers I learned from memory were when I was in the first grade. I had to learn the Our Father, the Hail Mary, and the Glory Be. That was it. I did not learn another prayer until 35 years later where my parish began every Mass with the prayer of Saint Michael. I could not even say an entire rosary without a cheat sheet. I did not know the prayers. Unfortunately, I have found I am not alone. I suspect it is the same for many reading this article.  It is time to break this chain.

Preschoolers can learn basic prayers in small steps. When my youngest was 4 years old, we would say a prayer two times every night for a week. He would remember it. Every night as I tucked my child into bed, we would go over at least one prayer. I must admit that there are times I was exhausted and did not want to learn a new prayer because we were at the point where I need to learn them too. However, a little bit of discipline night after night made a huge impact, both on your child and you.

Teaching the Commandments

Just like with prayer, I am amazed at how soon you can begin exposing your children to the Commandments. Just as with everything else and I have talked about, you need to begin with yourself. You need to know the Ten Commandments and what they actually mean.

When initially trying to learn the commandments, I read Exodus and did not find 10 Commandments, but rather 9. I found that odd until I realized that the Ten Commandments are also in Deuteronomy chapter 5 verses 4 through 21. When teaching your child right from wrong, this is a good place to start. You can explain that lying to your parents is a violation of the fourth commandment. You can show them that going to Mass honors the third commandment. You can teach them that saying your brother or sister broke something as a way to cover up your wrongdoing is bearing false witness or the eighth commandment.

I recommend printing The Ten Commandments out on an 8 1/2 by 11 sheet of paper, framing them, and posting them in your children’s bedroom. If that means taking down a Star Wars poster or My Little Pony, then so be it.

Ultimately, you need to follow the 10 Commitments as well, because your example will speak much louder than any posted list. If you take the Lord’s name in vain, then how can you expect your children not to? Why not start saying “Oh my goodness!” or “Oh my gosh!” If you do not go to Mass, how can you expect your children to? If your wife is using the pill or other abortifacients, how can you expect your daughters not to kill their children?

In order to teach the Commandments, you have to live them yourself.

Teaching the Sacraments

If you expect your children to learn about the sacraments, then you must take part of them yourself. Receive Holy Communion and go to Confession regularly.

When teaching your kids about the sacraments, it is easy to start with a book and go through all seven. However, it is another thing for them to witness and experience the sacraments. Receiving Holy Communion is the easiest and most obvious sacrament your children can witness. But there is more to it. If you have not been to Confession or if you are not in a state of grace, then you should not be receiving Holy Communion. Your children need to see and understand those times you are abstaining.

When you go to Confession, bring your children with you even if they are too young to receive the sacrament themselves. They can wait with you and pray. If you are and your wife go together, one of you can stay with your children while the other is in the Confessional.

It is worthwhile for children to see an Ordination or the first Mass for a priest. Let your child see other children be Baptized. It will make a lasting impression. Take your children to a wedding Mass and let them witness the beauty of the sacrament. Let your children witness a Confirmation.

Sacrament of the Sick is a more difficult sacrament. As an alternative let your children visit a nursing home or veterans’ home or hospital and see priests ministering to the sick and dying. How long until you are the one who needs ministering?

Being a Catholic Father

You are your children’s first teacher. Your children will hear what you say.  However, they will understand and learn more from what you do and what you expect of them. Accepting this challenge will not be easy. You will be ridiculed, in some cases, by the people close to you. Set a tone and set an example so your family may know Catholic traditions and a path to Heaven instead of needing to discover one completely on their own.