The Gift of Grief

Grief is almost the same as open-heart surgery. Nothing can hurt us, disintegrate us, heal us, or teaches us more valued soul lessons like grief. The greatest gift of grief is that it affects profound and permanent change in our lives and because we do not lose absolute touch with our loved ones who have passed away, their deaths draw us into new worlds.

It would be so much easier to understand and accept death if we didn’t see it as a loss (Dr. Anna Noekeala Bonas).

The Raising of Lazarus

Now a man was ill, Lazarus from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. Mary was the one who had anointed the Lord with perfumed oil and dried his feet with her hair; it was her brother Lazarus who was ill. So the sisters sent word to him, saying, “Master, the one you love is ill.” When Jesus heard this he said, “This illness is not to end in death,* but is for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that he was ill, he remained for two days in the place where he was. Then after this he said to his disciples, “Let us go back to Judea.” The disciples said to him, “Rabbi, the Jews were just trying to stone you, and you want to go back there?” Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours in a day? If one walks during the day,d he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world. But if one walks at night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him.”* He said this, and then told them, “Our friend Lazarus is asleep, but I am going to awaken him.” So the disciples said to him, “Master, if he is asleep, he will be saved.” But Jesus was talking about his death, while they thought that he meant ordinary sleep. So then Jesus said to them clearly, “Lazarus has died. And I am glad for you that I was not there, that you may believe. Let us go to him.” So Thomas, called Didymus,* said to his fellow disciples, “Let us also go to die with him.” When Jesus arrived, he found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. Now Bethany was near Jerusalem, only about two miles* away. And many of the Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them about their brother. When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went to meet him; but Mary sat at home. Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died, even now I know that whatever you ask of God, God will give you.” Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise.” Martha said to him, “I know he will rise, in the resurrection on the last day.” Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life; whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?” She said to him, “Yes, Lord. I have come to believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who is coming into the world.” When she had said this, she went and called her sister Mary secretly, saying, “The teacher is here and is asking for you.” As soon as she heard this, she rose quickly and went to him. For Jesus had not yet come into the village, but was still where Martha had met him. So when the Jews who were with her in the house comforting her saw Mary get up quickly and go out, they followed her, presuming that she was going to the tomb to weep there. When Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who had come with her weeping, he became perturbed* and deeply troubled, and said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Sir, come and see.” And Jesus wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him.” But some of them said, “Could not the one who opened the eyes of the blind man have done something so that this man would not have died?” So Jesus, perturbed again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay across it. Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the dead man’s sister, said to him, “Lord, by now there will be a stench; he has been dead for four days.” Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believe you will see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. And Jesus raised his eyes and said, “Father,* I thank you for hearing me. I know that you always hear me; but because of the crowd here I have said this, that they may believe that you sent me.” And when he had said this, he cried out in a loud voice,* “Lazarus, come out!” The dead man came out, tied hand and foot with burial bands, and his face was wrapped in a cloth. So Jesus said to them, “Untie him and let him go. [Jn 11: 1-44)

Grief cuts the human heart very deeply, and it exposes places in our social values, family structures, belief systems, and relationships that have been longing for healing and enlightenment. For those who are spiritually fatigued, grief renews their zeal for life and creates an opportunity to grow spiritually – such renewal can only happen if the bereaved person can see past the pain of losing a loved one. If we can honor the opportunity to grow spiritually through grief, strengthening and stretching ourselves a little bit every day, we can acquire wisdom and choose growth over destruction. Every person has experienced the shattering reality of grief that has renewed us, even though the self was not aware of the renewal.

Growing In Pain

Grief is the human metamorphosis. For animals who go through metamorphosis, the process occurs subsequent to birth – figuratively, the death of a loved one, which forces you to grieve, gives birth to a new you – you become a person who is in pain, whose heart is shattered, and often times is angry. When you begin to grieve you begin the morphing process, you ultimately morph into an entirely different person who has cracks, which the light uses to get into your soul. That seed that death planted starts getting the light and it starts growing.

Gift of Wisdom

Through grief, one becomes wiser; we receive one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit – wisdom. Colossians 4:5-6 reads thus,

“Walk in wisdom towards outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each other.”

When you draw wisdom from the pain of grief, you learn to be kinder towards other people and you use your time wisely. You learn to add value to the lives of other people, in words and in deeds. When it comes to helping others grieve, the pain that you once went through guides your words and you try to offer the right words of consolation.

Gift of Faith

Grief also helps us grow in our faith. Pain brings us closer to the Scriptures, it brings us closer to other people for support and advice, and it brings us closer to God. When things that happen to us do not make much sense to us, we start trying to find answers and a deeper meaning to life, hence we draw closer to God and others draw even closer to a certain religion or spirituality. You long to understand God and you prioritize the Truth; a priority that you dedicate most of your time to.

Grief turns us into seekers; we seek the character of God, we seek His counsel, and we seek His comfort. Grief reunites us with God the same way the Prodigal Son was reunited with his father. When we experience the pain of grief, we forget about ourselves and we put aside our achievements and endeavors; our sole focus becomes God. Peter Marshall, a Scottish-American preacher and pastor of the New York Avenue Presbyterian Church once said, “God will not permit any troubles to come upon us unless He has a specific plan by which great blessings can come out of the difficulty.”

Our agony gives birth to magnificent things; we might not see this and we likely will not see it for years, but the good is there. We have to be confident that He who began the good work in us will faithfully complete it. We see in John 11 how grief drove Jesus to carry out His ministry and how something as magnificent as life (resurrection of Lazarus) was birthed.

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Picking Up The Pieces

American philosopher and psychologist, William James once wrote, “Acceptance of what happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.”

There are individuals who have the innate ability to reassemble the soul`s broken pieces; these people are resilient and can recover from emotional pain naturally. Others have to develop the mechanism to recover from such pain. Usually, people who manage to reassemble the pieces of their shattered hearts and souls do it through prayer – for Catholics, praying the Rosary brings solace. Praying helps them to stop pondering on the pain of grief and turn over a new leaf. Through prayer, we are able to make peace with reality. When we accept that we cannot change reality, our minds will stop overthinking the situation and we will stop reliving the pain that stems from grief.

To heal that wound, we need deep meditative work and time. Often times it is not about piecing back the broken pieces as we would piece back a broken bud vase; it usually is about finding new methods to match the shattered pieces and build a life with new meaning. Our experience of grief should make us stronger instead of weakening us. If we seize the opportunity to grow through grief, we will not see the pain as an obstacle and we will have not suffered in vain.