Marriage Needs Tending Like a Lovely Garden

Photography: Chelsea Zimmerman

It’s been thirty-nine years since my husband Lino and I said our “I do’s” on the morning of June 12, 1982 in a Catholic church in Manila. An uncle of mine had been a parish priest there for some time. Truth to tell, I had no idea then what the words “…for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health…” really meant after our nuptial rites and our honeymoon. It was all surreal to me – that feeling of being love struck and finally being together for most of our waking hours.

My husband and I have been blessed with one child – a daughter, who has always been such a delight to have around. Marriage hasn’t been all peaches and cream, of course. There were bumps along the way – storms we have had to weather.

Thankfully and miraculously, we have managed to stay together without either of us being away for weeks or months to bring home the bacon, as is the case with many Filipino families. Two weeks was the longest period my husband was away for work – he was sent to London and the US by the nonprofit organization he worked for as communications director.

Secrets to survival

It got me thinking: how could we have survived this long? It’s difficult enough to live with oneself! I must credit Lino for much of it: he has kept the faith; he has guided me towards the right path, the path where God wanted us always to be close to Him. He has been my rock, and more importantly, my angel.

We wish every marriage could last a hundred years, but we married couples don’t want to talk over everybody’s head. We want those contemplating marriage and the newlyweds to make their relationships work by taking to heart some practical “applications” with regard to communication, love, and commitment in general.

Some years ago, Pope Francis gave his musings about how married couples could build solid relationships:

Make time for one another, even if you’re busy. “Love needs time and space; everything else is secondary,” says the Pope. “Time is needed to talk things over, to embrace leisurely, to share plans, to listen to one another…and appreciate one another.”

Accept your partner’s shortcomings. Pope Francis says it doesn’t matter if your spouse is not everything you want him or her to be. “Love always has an aspect of deep compassion that leads to accepting the other person as part of this world, even when he or she acts differently than I would like.”

Don’t hold grudges. The pope admonishes couples that this habit of nurturing interior hostility only causes hurt and alienation. “It’s like digging up past hurts. Married couples should remember the words of St. Paul: ‘Love is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs…’ (1 Corinthians 13:5).”

Say “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry.” The pope says these are the three essential words or terms that every couple should be saying to each other constantly.

When you argue, acknowledge your spouse’s perspective. The pope says, “Never downplay what they say or think even if you need to express your own point of view…. We ought to be able to acknowledge the other’s person’s truth, the value of his or her deepest concerns, and what it is they are trying to communicate, however aggressively.”

Read – it’s important to be interesting. The pope believes that for a worthwhile dialogue, we have to have something to say. “This can only be the fruit of an interior richness nourished by reading, personal reflection, prayer and openness to the world around us. Otherwise, conversations become boring and trivial…family life becomes stifling.”

Sexual integrity is important. The pope himself, a prelate who has vowed to live a celibate life, says that because God Himself created sexuality, it should never be pursued for just one person’s pleasure or in a way that treats the other person as an object to be used. “Sexuality is meant to aid the fulfillment of the other,” he emphasizes.

A beautiful garden

My two cents worth, I suppose, is that marriage should be tended like a beautiful garden. It needs constant nurturing, as well as the weeding out of the bad, wild grass of annoying habits, like that of wives not being enthusiastic enough to welcome their husbands when the latter come home, or a husband’s bad habit of leaving towels and socks and other dirty laundry lying on the floor!

Yes, it takes a lot of discipline to make a marriage work. But it’s all worth it. And I certainly believe marriages centered on God are “made in heaven” as long as we all keep our eyes on nurturing here on earth our relationships like a lovely garden.

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7 thoughts on “Marriage Needs Tending Like a Lovely Garden”

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