Those calls a mother dreads. I have received a number of them in the past few weeks. “Mom, I was hit by a car while riding my bike;” “My financial aid package may not go through;” “Tonight I might be arrested.” Sometimes I think my fears feel magnified being a soul-surviving parent. The days of me being able to keep them close and safe are over and for many moms that idea is terrifying, which is why I want to talk about it.
Why, you could ask, might your son have been arrested? (As dozens of moms scramble to assure themselves that what ever I type next will be a situation their child will never be in). He was in a protest against the maltreatment of the poor in a city where he lives in a Catholic Worker community.
I learned the next day that their protest was successful, that the changes they were bringing attention to were approved and arrests were not made. I did, however get into my lonely bed knowing my son could be in a cell before morning. This reminded me very much of a situation I learned a great deal from a few years ago.
My oldest son was involved in a very active youth pro-life ministry, “Stand True”, which eventually became an arm of Priests for Life. My son was only 16 but mature and working with good mentors and older activists with whom I felt he was safe. They planned a trip (to a city I considered gritty and dangerous) to protest outside of a Planned Parenthood, and as a mom who had never let one of her kids do something like that before, the idea of the trip frightened me. I began to pray for my son “please God, keep my son safe”, “please God keep my son safe” over and over again.
I spent nary a moment thinking of the goals of the trip, who needed to hear their message or what they might accomplish. I was laser focused on MY son being SAFE.
I will share that in my prayer life, I feel fortunate to often feel or hear “answers” come when I’m obedient in listening to the still, soft voice that can speak to us in a way we know it is the Holy Spirit. Mostly the feelings I get are loving and encouraging, but for the first time, upon the (perhaps) 732nd petition of “please keep my son safe,” I felt an admonition to stop my petition. What I “heard” was not what I expected: “you need to pray for his effectiveness, not his safety”. Gulp.
I had been so wrapped up with my goal to keep him safe I forgot that anything else was at stake. I was crippling his mission and vocation with my selfish need to get what I wanted. Granted, there is nothing WRONG with having your child safe, but spreading the Gospel and serving humankind is simply NOT safe.
Why would we think that we would be any different from Christians who came before us? The brave Saints who suffered – they had mothers too. Additionally, Christopher Columbus, the first astronauts, missionaries who went off to foreign lands – none of them were safe and they all had mothers.
As a culture we have become obsessed with safety over the past 30 years or so. It’s so pervasive that we don’t even realize it. While it makes sense to protect wee ones from hurting themselves and not invite disaster with foolish decisions, making safety an idol that we consider before anything else as our kids become adults is a mistake.
We need to raise our kids to be capable and strong. To be Saints, they will eventually have to engage in the “battles” at hand. When the time comes, our very difficult developmental task is to let them. How hard it must have been for the Blessed Mother to know for so long that a sword of grief would eventually pierce her heart.
I have never sent a child to war. I have never sent a child medical missionary to a disease stricken country. I respect parents who have released their children into the world to do brave and dangerous things. My experiences in this arena has been introductory perhaps, but I feel like I have earned the right to elevate this topic for discussion.
I sometimes fear that our cultural obsession with safety will become shortsighted and selfish like my perception of my son’s mission trip to gritty city streets. Our instinct to protect our children is a good thing, and it surely has its place, but we need to make sure that we prepare them and release them for the moments when God will use them.
16 thoughts on “The Idol of Safety”
God apparently doesn’t care about people’s safety so I guess Christians shouldn’t care either.
Remember to put your helmet on before you go outside.
Thank you, all, for this post. I am currently going through a Creighton University Ignatian Spiritual Exercises program, and this week we are to think about prayer (well, more like to Whom we are praying, seeing His Love and feeling His forgiveness). I feel a little embarrassed, but I never realized the prohibition against repetitive prayer was because it is a sign of distrust in the Giver of Gifts! Thank you, Nurse Tammy, for sharing your “gulp” moment!
Like mant things, “repetitive prayer” can possibly be good or bad depending on our intent and presuppositions (and likely other factors I cant list right now). I wouldn’t go so far as to say that its ALWAYS bad – I had a time that was so difficult and stressful that the only thing that got me through one particularly horrid day was praying “Hail ! Full of Grace!” in my head quite a few times and thank God for giving me that prayer.
I was glad to share my “gulp” moment with you because it was a perfect example of fear and self absorption taking such hold of me that I was unwilling to see that God had his plan and I needed to submit to it and look outside myself and my needs and quit my babbling.
When you think of it though…it does make sense that sometimes we could repeat a prayer over and over to try to get our way when we know that Gods way for us in anything is best and not seeing that is distrust. In those moments it can be a great leap of faith to humbly and honestly tell God of our hopes and acknowledge that He knows best then set about the task of serving (in whatever vocation He gave us) and letting Him work it out.
Tammy,
Modern people watch radical disasters every night on TV news for a half hour or more so it is no wonder that disasters are in our consciousness more so than in the minds of the pre television centuries of human beings. It’s a wonder our morning prayer isn’t….” God protect us from car crashes, beheadings, school shootings, sink holes, recent converts to jihadist forms of Islam, Obamacare’s deficits, and fired workers with shotguns.” You are not alone. The northeast news c. NY this weekend had two or three home invasions….add that to the list. A woman opened her door thinking it was trick or treaters and it was five home invaders.
But on a more intimate note, Catholic education even when excellent does not warn about something Scripture warns about…repeating prayer from distrust ( we have all done it….as though God needs to be nagged because He is stingy.”
Sirach 7:14 will perhaps help you….” Do not…repeat the words of your prayer.” That’s not arguing against the rosary whose repetitive nature is soothing to many but about repeating from the motive of distrust. If I ask God to help my daughter in law against leukemia at 8:00 AM and again at 8:10 AM., I probably have a trust problem with God being stingy or unlistening.
“If I ask God to help my daughter in law against leukemia at 8:00 AM and
again at 8:10 AM., I probably have a trust problem with God being
stingy or unlistening.”
Then, perhaps that’s an opportunity for our own prayer to change as we monitor and become more acutely aware of how we pray. C.S. Lewis (I think) once wrote about how we pray not because it changes God’s mind, but because prayer changes us. If we identify a trust problem, then it’s something we can bring before the Lord and pray about. Slowly, then, trust grows.
When we pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet, we end with “Jesus, I trust in You.” We can see the flipside of “Jesus, I trust in You” as “do you believe that I can do this for you?” (which, if I recall correctly, are words that Christ does speak in the Gospel). Sometimes, we forget how far He’s brought us.
Thank you for this, Nurse Tammy; this is excellent. I’m also elated to hear that your son’s protest was successful.
I can understand a mother’s fear for her children’s safety AND the need for a mother to let go so that God’s will be done and that the child will be enabled, not crippled. Which is why I’m so very, very glad that you pray in the way that you do. Because it shows that while you may have many fears, you also listen to the Holy Spirit as He helps you discern when those fears are selfish while asking Him for the grace to overcome them. You are bringing your fears before the Lord, and together with Him, you are facing them. He can see the root of those fears far better than we can, and with His grace, we will also come to understand those fears better as well as what’s the more effective course of action. Prayer is a cognitive activity on a very deep level; it’s theology’s simplest definition of “faith seeking understanding” for that reason.
Not every parent does what you are doing and are sharing with us now, unfortunately. It can be annoying, discouraging, and burdensome for a young adult or adult son or daughter to constantly hear a mother spin anxiety after anxiety over pretty much everything when what that mother should be doing is to pray not only for her children, but for herself– so that she may have the grace to overcome that anxious tendency for her own good and the good of her children. Yet another reason why the Church teaches that love is not an emotion, but a well-ordered act of the will, and it’s also why “meaning well” isn’t good enough. It’s okay to make mistakes and to fall repeatedly, but it’s not okay to not try or to feel entitled to fear-driven selfishness just because one is a parent. That tendency, as you write in your response to Thomas Sharpe, is disrespectful. I’ve observed others on the receiving end of that tendency also talk about how it feels like being stabbed in the back. Sounds like a “parents, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” teachable moment. A lot of the times, many parents, including Catholic ones, tend to hear “children, obey your parents,” and forget about what St. Paul says directly after that. Both are needed for a holy balance.
Our instinct to protect our children is a good thing, and it surely has
its place, but we need to make sure that we prepare them and release
them for the moments when God will use them.
Yes. Because ultimately, they’re not “our” children, they are God’s children. That should both encourage and humble us.
Thank you for your kind words.
My FB friends are likely tempted to tease me because today I also shared a story of when my son moved into an old wooden apartment house/dorm and during move in I saw broken smoke detectors, missing fire extinguishers and unsafe exits. I called the Fire Marshall and had the building inspected after which repairs and replacements of equipment were done.
I still prayed for his safety but my task was to let him live in that city and have the experiences he was meant to have and me calling the Fire Marshall didn’t get in his way. I did what I did for everyone’s kids. It also opened the conversation about assessing something like fire danger when moving into a new place and how to effect reasonable change. In that situation, I think I maximized a teachable moment without “spinning into anxiety” (I love your phrase). When he moved to the Sufi Commune, he took notice that there was a fire ladder to evacuate from his room.
The one moment when I most let go of my anxiety was when my son approached me about going a few hundred miles away to a concert. Some neighbors had just lost their only son to a car accident 2 miles from his house. My first reaction was to say “No, that’s dangerous stay here” until I realized that being close to home did not make our neighbors son safe. They went with my blessing; they had fun, they came home fine.
Very truthful and courageous article. It is always a great temptation to ask for the outcome that we want rather than the outcome that God wills. We hardly ever pray for the latter although that is precisely the prayer that pleases God the most. Thank-you for your witness!
This was really beautiful, and a good read for me. My oldest three are in their early 20’s and it is hard not to keep their safety as the first thing in my mind when I pray for them. Thank you!
Safety is Job One; that doesn’t mean not stepping out, not taking risks, not speaking out. It means acting Prudently, Safely – when ever you can.
When the task at hand is building a skyscraper and people are in danger of falling to their deaths then I totally agree that safety is #1. As a nurse in a hospital it is also #1 and there are many other examples. What I wanted to elevate here is that in our Catholic Christian walk, there will be times when we need to put service above our own well being.
Additionally, there are times when we try so hard to be safe that we quit living. The “what is something happens” mentality can be prudent at first but incrementally creep in until we are not doing the simplest of things for fear of disaster. I once heard a mom tell of taking her family to the movies…her 18 year old son wanted to watch a different movie than his much younger siblings. His preferred movie was morally acceptable and playing in the very next theater but his mother refused to let him sit one room away because “you never know what might happen”. The possibility that an ax murderer was going to go into that movie theater and take that young man out unchallenged was minuscule and his mom showed that she had very little faith in him to handle himself in public which is somewhat disrespectful to her son.
When my kids ask permission to go do things, I do weight the risks/benefits, but try to never forbid an otherwise reasonable activity based on the nebulous “what if something happens” idea. A friend recently asked if she should travel to Dallas during the Ebola scare. I reminded her that she was in more danger driving on the interstate to the airport than contracting Ebola. Life isn’t safe and within reason it is there to be lived.
Catholic tradition teaches that Peter was walking out of Rome to flee danger when he encountered the risen Christ who asked him “Quo vadis?” (where are you going?). Peter turned around and returned to Rome where he eventually met his end. Those moments may exist for some of us in our walk…for some the danger may be literal and mortal, for others, it may be result in a situational sacrifice but we will each likely face something where we will need to put service over safety in order to do Gods will in our lives.
Pingback: Religion News Service Pope Francis Blunder - BigPulpit.com
Consider sending a phalanx of guardian angels each family has available – this is the angels of those family members who are already in Heaven. And you should be able to call on them gong back several or many generations.These angels, in a sense, no longer have a person to “light and guard, to rule and guide” and should be available for TDY [temporary duty] with your son or daughter. I ask them to surround my child and protect him or her from all evil until they return safely. Guy McClung, San Antonio
What a unique and beautiful idea!
It is a beautiful idea and please know that I do pray for my kids safety every day. What I learned and try to live, however is to not keep it as a singular goal and that there are times that it needs to not be our primary goal and that we are wise to be observant of when that is the case.