Good manners provide the social lubricant necessary for positive relationships and interactions. Are we giving our children the training they need in etiquette and polite manners to set them up for spiritual fruitfulness and other benefits in their lives?
The What and The How
Polite manners are the means to living effectively with others, respecting them and oneself in the process. They represent the “how”; the norms in etiquette represent the “what” required to live graciously in social contact with others.
Behaviors such as opening or holding open a door for others, or saying “please,” “thank you,” “you’re welcome,” and the like historically have been considered to be simply good manners. They’re what we were expected to do.
At the Table
Table manners comprised a good portion of what traditionally were considered de rigueur. Things such as not slouching, keeping your elbows off the table, asking to have plates passed, chewing with your mouth closed, and not speaking with food in your mouth were commonly practiced. Now in addition to dealing with such basics, there’s the challenge of keeping people engaged with people instead of their phones at the table.
With respect to table manners, a 2024 survey showed that most Americans follow some, but not all, traditional table manners. Apparently the older a person is, the more likely they may follow more of the traditional practices.
Getting Help
So it seems that practicing good manners has taken a hit over the years. And younger children may not be getting the benefit of training in good manners that can help them in relating to others throughout their life.
But help is available. For example, consider the little book, Living with Good Manners, by John Narbona. In less than a hundred pages, he provides easy-to-understand coverage of manners that will put anyone in good stead. He starts right away with answers to the likely objections some may have to learning and practicing good manners.
Manners as Virtues
Good manners have a significant spiritual aspect to them. Our outward movements—our behaviors—are directable by our reason. Through our reason we can eliminate, add or build on patterns of behavior. And creating patterns of good behavior—building virtue—is something we all need to work on. Our children need guidance to help them create good and virtuous patterns of behavior, including good manners. Scripture tells us:
“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)
St. Thomas Aquinas notes that our behaviors disclose our interior disposition, citing both the book of Sirach and St. Ambrose:
“A man is known by his appearance, and a sensible man is known by his face, when you meet him. A man’s attire and open-mouthed laughter, and a man’s manner of walking, show what he is.” (Sirach 19:29-30)
“the habit of mind is seen in the gesture of the body…the body’s movement is an index of the soul…from these things…the man that lies hidden in our hearts is esteemed to be either frivolous, or boastful, or impure, or on the other hand sedate, steady, pure, and free from blemish. It is moreover from our outward movements that other men form their judgment about us…” (De Offic. I, 18)
Discipline Overcomes Weakness
But what if some of my “wiring,” my natural inclinations, or those of my family members, don’t happen to fall naturally within some range of acceptable social behavior and polite manners? St. Thomas has an answer for that as well, citing St. Ambrose again, he tells us that disciplined effort can overcome our shortcomings. Thus, practicing good manners—good social habits—can be cultivated by any of us and all of us.
Personal Graciousness
Thus, the ability to cultivate good social skills and polite manners is something open to all. These external movements or behaviors, Fr. Walter Farrell, OP, writes, “…serve the purpose of mirroring their interior life and of putting them in social contact with others.”
And we should be working at a process of “weeding out of defects, a campaign of elimination which makes for personal graciousness and which is nothing more than an insistence on the beauty of reason’s order breaking through all of a man’s life, even through the externals of that life.” (A Companion to the Summa, Vol. III, 477-479)
Of critical importance is personal graciousness, which Merriam Webster defines as “the quality or state of being gracious,” that is, “marked by kindness and courtesy…good taste, generosity of spirit, and the customs and manners of polite society.” Being gracious, kind and courteous helps put others at ease. These external movements have an outward focus—how we behave around others–or as Fr. Farrell puts it, in our social contact with others.
Honor, Respect Others & Glorify God
How we behave as Catholics or other Christians matters. We’re often the only reflection of the Gospel others see. Do we live out 1 Peter 4:11 in our behaviors “…that in all things God may be glorified…”? Even the everyday, mundane habits and manners we and our family display, including grace before meals, will have an impact on others.
Being all created in the image and likeness of God, we–adults and children alike–need to reflect our dignity and honor the dignity of others with whom we have social contact. Practicing good manners simply shows our consideration and respect for others and for ourselves. Honoring and respecting God’s creatures glorifies God.
“One of the best ways to tell if people have good or bad manners is to observe them during meals.” – John Narbona, Living with Good Manners
