(This is the fifth in a series of five articles assisting parents in teaching the parts of the Mass to their children to enlighten them on what is taking place and help them develop a deeper understanding of why attending Mass is critical to our spiritual health. Note that the following explanations of the parts of the Mass and our expected responses/actions are written for the most common Mass that Catholics attend in the U.S. – the Novus Ordo Mass – as opposed to a Traditional Latin Mass.)
In the first four parts of this series of articles, we have described ways parents can explain the various components of the Mass to their children so to educate them on what is taking place and why we the people respond in specific ways. Of course, there is more to Mass than knowing what to say, when to kneel, and why the priest does certain things. To better ensure kids grasp the importance of the sacrifice of the Holy Mass, mom and dad might want to try instituting some helpful parenting tips, which this final article in the series will be suggesting.
First, let’s talk about the best location for a family to sit in church. It’s funny how if buying tickets for a Gonzaga vs. Duke basketball game, one would want to sit as close to the action as (financially) possible, but when attending Mass most people purposely choose to sit in the back half of church. Since this is the King of Kings you are bringing your children to see in church, you should want to sit up front. Not only is there no cost for these best seats in the house, but sitting farthest from the altar is unfair to your small ones. How boring to spend 60 minutes not being to see anything but the bald spot of the man in front of you while hearing a priest proclaiming, “Behold! This is the Lamb of God!” but having no idea what the priest is holding. It will increase the chance of your child staying alert during Mass and better understanding what is taking place on the altar if you sit in the front pews.
Along with wanting to sit close to the action if you had tickets to a big sporting event, you would also want to arrive early to the game to see the players warm-up and so you don’t miss the opening tipoff/kickoff/pitch. Arriving at least 10 minutes early to what is going to be the re-presentation of the sacrifice of Our Lord will ensure you’ll get a good seat, you won’t disturb others, and you will have time to perform your own type of warm-up. Your family’s warm-up should consist of praying silently to God with prayers of thanksgiving, praise, and petition. A parent will have to initially teach these forms of praying and give kids ideas for both formal and impromptu prayers they can silently say prior to Mass as they converse with the Holy Trinity. They can also be instructed that merely fixating on the statue of Jesus on the crucifix and contemplating what He did for us is the only pre-Mass “prayer” needed.
Another helpful tip is Catholic families should always dress up for Mass. Just as we would not wear shorts and t-shirts if we were going to a fancy restaurant for dinner, we should dress properly for church, which means boys and dads wear long pants and shirts with collars, and girls and moms wear dresses or skirts/pants with blouses. It’s amazing how all of us – not just kids – behave differently depending on how we’re dressed.
One more recommendation is to not bring into church any toys, snacks, or books for children five years old or older. Many parents resort to the strategy of allowing toys and snacks in the pew as a way to keep their elementary-school-age youngsters from kicking and screaming and declaring, “I’m bored!” However, instead of parents putting their efforts into entertainment devices, they need to put on their adult-in-charge hat and simply set expectations about proper Mass behavior. A child’s poor conduct at Mass will eventually be extinguished if behavioral expectations are taught, and parents follow up with consistent, proper consequences should the child disregard these expectations.
Expectations should include that your children (starting no later than age five) will sit, stand, and kneel along with the adult congregation, will sing and recite prayers aloud, and will focus on what is happening on the altar more than paying attention to what the siblings sitting next to them are doing. Also pre-established should be the consequences that will come about for any time when disorderly behavior continues even after mom or dad whispered reminders.
If the whispered reminders go unheeded, some suggested consequences to be enacted could be that the child has lost the privilege of stopping for doughnuts after Mass or will have to make up the time wasted in church by taking a time-out once arriving back home after Mass. Whatever consequences are used, they should have been pre-established in an earlier family discussion, so the child knows exactly what is coming when he or she chooses to repeatedly misbehave.
Now before you comment that it is a pie-in-the-sky expectation for young kids to behave properly at Mass without having distractions like books, snacks, or toys, speaking as a veteran Catholic school principal and teacher who oversaw 40 years of so-called school Masses, I can assure you it is possible. At any given Mass, not one of our hundreds of students – ranging from ages 4-to-14 – was ever allowed to eat or play in the pew. One hundred percent of our youngsters sat, stood, kneeled, and responded in prayers in tandem with their teachers.
We could accomplish this because each teacher set expectations about proper Mass behavior ahead of time. Students knew that if one of them misbehaved during Mass, the teacher would first give a whispered reminder or possibly just “the look,” and if the poor conduct continued, the child would be moved to sit right next to the teacher. Rarely did the consequence have to extend beyond these simple actions of a whispered reminder, “the look,” and/or moving away from distractions. But if necessary, the teacher would walk a repeatedly misbehaving child outside of church to express her displeasure and explain the bigger consequences that would be enacted if the kid didn’t immediately fall into line. Unsurprisingly, she would always return with a humbled and cooperative kid.
Now and then, one of our teachers might need to keep her entire squirrelly class in the pews after Mass ended and everyone else had left, to have a stern talk about proper church behavior. This not only made sure her students realized the seriousness of poor conduct in church but they were purposely retained so they would have a consequence of missing recess that started for all the other classes right after Mass concluded.
If one teacher with 20+ students can expect and accomplish having all her kiddos behaving properly at Mass, surely one parent with one child or both a mom and dad with 2+ children can do likewise. Catholic parents should follow Catholic school teachers’ approach to establishing behavior expectations and potential consequences. Parents can’t withhold recess, but they can pre-establish consequences such as missing playtime or TV time when they get home.
Whereas there are negative consequences implemented if a child behaves poorly, adults can also employ positive rewards for good behavior, such as the teacher telling her class prior to entering church that if no student has to be spoken to during Mass the class will get extra recess time. Similarly, parents can tell their children before Mass something like, “If I don’t have to remind you to follow along and behave throughout Mass, then we can stay for ‘coffee & doughnuts’ afterward (…or when we get home we can all play Mario Kart together).”
One technique parents can use to better assure their children are paying attention in church, and not simply “staying out of trouble,” is to choose one part of the Mass each week to teach at home the morning of or the day prior to Mass, giving your kids a 5-10 minute mini-lesson on it. As a way to better assure this lesson is grasped by your youngsters, have an “assignment” for them to anticipate and pinpoint when the part of the Mass you explained that week is being undertaken. So if that week’s lesson was on the components of the Liturgy of the Word, the assignment could be to ask your children to pinpoint the time in the Mass when the priest/deacon names the Book of the Gospel he is reading from. The assignment for your kids could go like this: “If you wink at me immediately at the time in the Mass when you hear Father/Deacon name the specific Gospel book he’s reading from, you win a prize of choosing your favorite donut at the bakery we will stop at on the ride home.”
Besides setting expectations for Mass behavior that includes your children standing and kneeling at all the proper times, following the readings in the Missal, and reciting the congregation’s responses out loud, another insistence should be that everyone will sing the songs and sung responses. Of course, if mom and dad don’t sing, son and daughter have every right to keep their lips shut too. So, if you’re one of those adults who doesn’t sing in church because you don’t think you have a good voice, swallow your pride and sing…and expect your kids to sing with you.
What all these helpful tips boil down to is the overarching suggestion for parents to do what is necessary so that going to Mass each weekend becomes the most anticipated, most rewarding, and most joyful thing your entire family does together all week.
Finally, besides learning from this entire five-part series of articles, one last suggestion for parents to help them teach the Mass to their children is to find instructive videos online. There are kid-friendly videos to explain the Mass at a youngster’s age level and videos geared toward adults for re-education so they can then personally teach lessons to their sons and daughters. Two recommended video sites are the “The Mass Explained” and “The Catholic Mass Explained.” Additionally, “The Veil Removed” is a short film that shows the awesomeness of the coming together of heaven and earth that is taking place at Mass.
As adult Catholics, we realize the greatest action we can do is to attend Mass and receive Jesus in the Eucharist in the state of grace. But children, may not appreciate this, especially if they don’t understand what is going on at Mass. I encourage parents to utilize the information in this five-part series so to better teach their kids the who, what, why, when, and how of Holy Mass along with setting up expectations for active participation by all family members of kindergarten age and older.
Eventually, with persistent parenting – and God’s help – children will slowly but surely understand at a higher level what is taking place at Mass and correspondingly behave better in the pew. This will create an added bonus of Mom and Dad feeling less frenetic and getting more out of the Sacred Liturgy themselves.
