The First Duty of Love is Listening

Said Paul Tillich, one of the most significant theologians of the last century,

In indigenous Filipino psychology, there is a methodology that involves the concept and practice of “kuwentuhan.” Translated, it means sharing of stories and/or storytelling but even that literal translation doesn’t capture its essence. In a culture where oral tradition is a crucial means of passing down wisdom, heritage, practices, and stories, kuwentuhan is a concept and practice that is deeply embedded in the lives and the everyday ethos of the Filipino people. Although it is a highly valued everyday practice among Filipinos, it is a very common and essential part of all human cultures. For those in the helping profession, particularly mental health, the sharing of stories is an integral and natural starting point in the holistic healing of the person. [Typefont edited]

Kuwentuhan involves taking the time to listen to the person’s narratives and getting to know his or her history. Some of the best medical doctors I have dealt with always started the sessions by trying to know my story and history as a patient. They try to get to know not only my history but the history of my parents and grandparents. They try to get to know the whole me — my family, my social relationships, my habits, and my hobbies. They want to be able to treat not just the current symptoms but the cause so they take the time to dive deep and listen to my narratives.

Listening Can Make the World A Better Place

With the societal issues we are dealing with today, if we want to fix the symptoms, we would have to trace them down to the root causes. In our social relations, our families, and our personal lives, our brokenness can be repaired by listening to one another’s narratives. Pope Francis, in a message to an audience in March 2018, said that listening can make the world a better place.

Sadly, there seems to be a shortage in the willingness and the time to listen to one another’s story. A true dialogue will not start unless it starts with the act of listening. And it’s not just the physical act of words passing through the ear canals. It’s authentic, mindful, attentive, and empathetic listening where the words make it all the way through the mind and land in the heart.

Seek First to Understand

Stephen Covey, the author of some of the most influential books of our time such as Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, said that we must be able to listen with the intent to understand. It takes effort to listen to another with the intent to sincerely hear the other’s points of view and know where they’re coming from. It requires a quieting of our thoughts, opening up our minds, absorbing the situation, and seeking to understand. May the prayer that Saint Francis of Assisi prayed back in the 13th century be our prayer today to have the grace and humility to listen — “Grant that I may not so much seek to be understood as to understand.”

It takes openness and humility to truly listen to others. As Saint Paul said: “… [In] humility count others better than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4). With today’s trending emphasis on the self, on individualism and individualistic values, it is easy for us to forget the greatest commandments that Christ told us (in Mark 12:29-31):

“The first is, ‘Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

How do we love God and our neighbor? Starting with the first commandment, one good place to begin is to simply be in a state where we can listen. Learn to be fully present and listen to the voice of God speaking to our hearts. The second greatest commandment is loving thy neighbor as yourself. Loving our neighbors entails the same kind of listening, to become fully present, to empty our thoughts, and free the mind of clutter, judgment, and bias.

Listening to their story for biases first are the stories that we make up about the other. When we truly listen, we slip into their shoes as we journey with them, to feel their struggles, and to rejoice with them in their triumph. We may not always see eye to eye but at least we are having a respectful conversation where our voices matter.

Drowning in Noise

Listening seems like a simple and easy process but it’s probably not. We’re drowning in noise that includes a cacophony of voices all trying to say something. In a world described by author Susan Cain in her book Quiet as a world that “cannot stop talking,” there are so many voices trying to be heard but very few people listening. There is an increasing imbalance in the listening-talking equation where the talking side far outweighs the listening side. Listening is the half of the conversation that requires more effort and more humility.

Theologian and pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said that “people forget that listening can be a greater service than speaking.” How many of us plug our ears with earbuds to listen to digital soundtracks rather than live voices? How many of us can find the time to just sit down and listen to our neighbors, our peers, or even our loved ones? Our calendars are full and when someone wants to hang out and talk, it often must be scheduled—foiling the simple charm of a serendipitous connection. In our desperate search for someone to hear our stories, we have turned to social media.

Sharing One Epic Story of Humankind

Listening is an act of faith and generosity. Listeners generously share their time, their presence, and their openness of mind and heart. In a time of divisiveness and discord, listening might just be the tool that we need to bridge the divide, to rebalance the dialogue equilibrium, and to remind us of our connectedness and our humanity. What we have been facing as a society in recent years is not just a crisis of social justice but of spirituality. Listening may just lead us to rediscover that our individual stories, though many and diverse, are just part of one large epic story, one body, one spirit.