When Good Catholics are Bad People: How Do I Heal When Hurt by Those in the Church?

Years and years ago, I took a volunteer position at our parish. I had been impressed by our pastor’s drive and orthodoxy, leading his congregation and its school to a state of dynamic, authentic Catholicism.

At the first meeting, though, a different side of Father showed up than I was used to. He was critical of our Youth Minister, and generally threw cold water on every plan the committee came up with to energize the faith of the parish. The YM was diplomatic, saying it could be ‘daunting’ with how high the expectations could be.  Later, after he quit in frustration, he talked about how he’d never had a single affirmative word from the parish priest, despite all he’d done and initiated.

Most of us have had a similar experience. A job didn’t work out, a relationship ended unexpectedly, or perhaps you were excluded from something you should have been included in. This could happen anywhere, religious or secular. But with all we have going for us spiritually in the Sacraments, the Rosary, the Communion of Saints, shouldn’t Catholics be better?

Let me start by saying: I am no one’s idea of a true authority on the subject. I’m of Scotch/Irish extraction, and we’re a people known for our own particular form of alzheimer’s:  as you age you forget everything except your grudges.

Also, this article is not a cure-all piece to assist with serious breaches of trust, such as sexual abuse by priests or long-standing issues with family members. Such conflicts can’t usually be solved with the kind of advice that’s given in a 1000 word article, but need extensive prayer and counseling.

But lesser issues like those mentioned at the beginning of this article could, arguably, be handled by a number of smaller, personally practiced steps of forgiveness. Most of what I will share here came from a book my wife found for me called Forgive For Good by Fredric Luskin. It’s been a help to me with a number of conflicts, as has a counselor of my own gender from a local Catholic counseling service.

Forgiveness is arguably the central tenet of the Christian faith. Indeed, the core of the Good News is that we are forgiven. Unfortunately, it can often seem like a daunting task. We want to protect ourselves, and we fear that letting go of an offense will make us vulnerable to future hurts.

And what is forgiveness, anyway?

The good news: Forgiveness is not:

-condoning unkindness

-forgetting a painful event

-excusing poor behavior

-necessarily an otherworldly experience

-denying or minimizing hurt

-reconciling with the offender

-giving up having feelings

-refusing to have or set boundaries with which we feel comfortable

In the context we are discussing today, forgiveness is to be in a state where someone’s bad behaviors do not and will not upset us, or otherwise impact our lives negatively any further.  Forgiveness is necessary when we blame a past offender for pains in our lives now. A co-worker may have cost you a job last year, true. But that shouldn’t keep you from finding something equal or better now.

When we create a repeatedly-told grievance story in our heads, we do two things.  We convince ourselves that we had no part in the hurt, which is usually not true. And, we cause our brains to release stress chemicals in our heads as it re-lives the painful event. Our stress-brain (aka the Amygdala) doesn’t differentiate between the past and present. We become agitated and upset in the presence of those we believe caused our hurt. Thus, holding that grudge, telling that story in our heads over and over, actually hurts us, and us alone.

But what if we’ve tried and we can’t forgive? What if we find the hurts are so great that we can’t ‘let go’? What if the painful event keeps ‘popping’ into our heads and won’t leave?

The inability to forgive an offense is not a sign of weakness, mental illness, lack of self-esteem, or other negative things. It only means you don’t have the tools to do it, yet. If a house fell down for lack of nails, it doesn’t mean the builder was weak. It just means he didn’t have the nails he needed.

To get the tools we need, it helps to know what forgiveness truly is. In the context we are looking at, forgiveness is:

• a peace we learn to feel when these events no longer upset us
• for you, and not the offender
• Giving power back to yourself. In telling your grievance story in your head over and over, you give power to the offender, and take it away from yourself.
• taking responsibility for how you feel
• about your healing, and not about the people who hurt you
• a trainable skill, like learning to cut hair or throw a baseball
• a choice of action

As Catholics, we have access to proven, practical treatments, honed by over twenty centuries of real-world practice and success.

1)    First: Pray. A lot.

Ask for the grace to forgive. Some people will say rosary after rosary for hundreds of things, but until they realize the need to forgive, they won’t ask for that grace or get it.

2)    Know and name my specific feelings are about what happened.

If you can’t name the disease, you can’t diagnose or cure it. Ask specifically how the offender’s actions made you feel. Don’t stop at ‘mad’; did these actions make me feel disrespected? Disregarded? Ashamed? Inadequate?

3)    Be clear about the actions that harmed me.

Which actions did what? Your parents performed thousands of actions in their lives, which ones specifically hurt you?

4)    Share my experience

Be careful: share your experience only with one or two trusted people. Trust them with little things first, and see how that goes. There are people whom you think are in your corner that could use your hurts against you.

…What then? Is there more?

Most assuredly.

Next Time: Part Two: What’s next?