Divorce is No Answer to an Unhappy Marriage

Robbe Lyn Sebesta - Divorce

\"Robbe

Leo Tolstoy is frequently quoted from his classic novel Anna Karenina as saying how all happy families are the same, but unhappy families are all unhappy in different ways. I disagree and feel that he got it backward. Happiness is infinite in its variety, and happy people and happy families can find their joy in so many different ways. Its true that happiness is not very profound as far as art is concerned – it is not the stuff that classic Russian novels are made of – but a family that is happy has the ability to do so much, to try so much, to be so much in ways that unhappy families are too consumed with their sorrow to explore. When you’re happy, there’s so much you can do, but when you’re sad, all you can do is sit around and be miserable.

And it seems to me that all unhappy families are pretty much the same. All types of misery are identified at the core. And this, incidentally, is what unites people in the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous. There, they say that all addictions are alike in that someone addicted to alcohol is no different from one who is addicted to heroin. The brain registers all pleasures in the same way, whether they originate with a psychoactive drug, a monetary reward, a sexual encounter, or a satisfying meal. In the brain, pleasure has a distinct signature: the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine in the nucleus accumbens, a cluster of nerve cells lying underneath the cerebral cortex. Dopamine release in the nucleus accumbens is so consistently tied with pleasure that neuroscientists refer to the region as the brain’s pleasure center. In any unhappy family, whether the problem is that the mother drinks, or the father is abusive, or the parents want to kill each other, the skeleton of the story line is always the same. The description of what causes the pathology is the same. It’s always something about not being loved enough as a child, or being neglected at some other point. If you listen to any unhappy person tell his tale of woe, it sounds like every other tale of woe.

But can divorce possibly work when a child is involved? I know these days a small industry of marriage counselors and divorce therapists devote themselves to easing the process of parental separation for the sake of the children. And I know that all these people are just trying to help, trying to arrange things so that as long the family is in the proverbial Alaska, they may as well have a good warm coat to wear, but can this situation of divorced parents ever be all right? Indeed, any breakup of even a brief relationship is rife with potential all kinds of emotional rampages. So how can we possibly be so pragmatic and realistic, as to ask a couple going through a divorce to try to check their feelings and behave themselves and cooperate and be nice for the sake of the children? Of all the odd demands that modern life makes on humanity, the most difficult may be the expectation that we get along, maintain friendships, and share parental duties. It asks that we pretend that heartbreak is a minor inconvenience that can be over come with just the right amount of therapy, and repetitions of the mantra “for the sake of the children.”

It is no surprise that a generation of children of divorce have grown into a world of extended adolescence. Divorce, in our society, has become normal, and the idea of unconditional love is much harder to fathom. Knowing all of this, it is no wonder to me that God hates divorce.

Gospel recording artist Amy Grant says she felt like a failure for getting a divorce in 1999, but believes God \”released\” her from her 16-year marriage to Gary Chapman in a 1999 Baptist Standard interview. Grant said she believes God hates divorce but not the people involved.

\”I know why God hates divorce,\” she said, \”because it rips you from stem to stem, and children are the total innocent recipients of a torn and shattered life.\”

\”There\’s not a week that doesn\’t go by that I don\’t really cry out from the soles of my feet and just say, \’God, let me go back. How could this have worked out differently?\’\” she said.

Yet, \”as a functioning, somewhat intelligent woman,\” Grant said she also got to the point of asking how many times she must \”duct-tape\” herself and pretend everything was OK.

\”At some point, you see the path ahead of you, and you say, \’I have to walk this path because I believe it\’s the path that I have to walk,\’ regardless of anybody\’s opinion.\”

Though the divorce has been \”unbelievably humbling\” it also has been healing, she said. \”It makes me incredibly thankful that God is a God of second chances.\”

Indeed He is, and that is why it only through His grace can any true healing occur. And the problem is, too many believe in the idea that therapy without the healing benefits of the sacraments is enough. It assumes that you will have a series of revelations, or even just one little one, that these various truths will come to you and will change your life completely. It assumes that insight alone is a transformative force. But we as Catholics know, it doesn’t work that way. In real life, every day you might come to some new conclusion about yourself and about the reasoning behind your behavior, and you can tell yourself that this knowledge will make all the difference. But in all likelihood, you will keep doing the same old things. You will still cling to your destructive habits because you’re emotional tie to them is so strong – so much stronger than any insight you might come up with – that the crazy things you do are really the only things you’ve got that keep you centered and connected. They are the only things about you that make you you. And it isn’t until we die to our selves completely and let the Holy Spirit enter in that we can make any real transformation. For that it when, as a reflection of Our Lord, we can become more like Him, and in doing so, that is where we find our true selves, and who He meant for us to be.

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16 thoughts on “Divorce is No Answer to an Unhappy Marriage”

  1. This is insanity! Divorce sometimes is the solution to an unhappy marriage. I was married to a man who bullied me constantly. He wasn’t going to change. I wasn’t going to stay in that situation for my entire life!! I had to get out for my own sanity. It was the best thing I ever did! Some people can work out their marital problems but some people cannot. No one should be pressured to stay in a bad marriage! That is insanity! Get your head out of the sand and stop discriminating against people who choose to leave a bad marriage that don’t change!!

  2. Then what is the answer to an unhappy marriage?
    I am a traditional Catholic. For this reason I have stayed in an unhappy marriage for 29 years. I have tried Confession, prayer, the sacraments, individual counselling, couple counselling, distracting myself with meaningful work, spending time with my adult children, toughing it out, and reading articles like yours. Nothing makes my life any happier. Whether I am like all other unhappy people or not makes no difference.
    You say divorce is not the answer. That is what I was taught as a child. My question is, what if you have done everything recommended and your partner still treats you badly? I mean badly enough that you can’t leave the house to go to work without being admonished for doing so. What then?
    I have a suggestion as well as my question above: Remember compassion. The compassion of Jesus, when talking with people in desperate circumstances. The compassion of our Holy Father. People who are suffering tend to feel left out by callous and judgmental remarks about an unhappy person’s tale of woe. That is very hurtful. And you are a counselor??

    1. Jennifer, my heart goes out to you. If you see this reply, please read Strahlen’s message above. She has hit the nail on the head for troubled marriages. But I understand what you are going through. I wasn’t allowed to leave my house without my husband’s permission, and there was a wide variety of abuses. I am a practicing Catholic, fully obedient to the magesterium. Please feel free to contact me via facebook if you’d like to talk personally. https://www.facebook.com/susananne.truth

    2. Oh, I am so sorry you are going through this. I think it’s important to remember that most articles in this vein are written about non-abusive marriage. However, so many people in abusive relationships are reaching out for wisdom and some answers (like you) and only get hurt and confused. The kicker is, the article wasn’t written for your situation. When I read your article, I thought, why not separation?! Separation preserves the bond of the marriage while giving you a healthy space to live. It can also serve as a wake up call for a spouse that treats another badly. Again, I am so sorry for what you are going through. That is a really long time to be lonely and sad. I will pray for you tonight.

    3. Dear Jennifer,

      I apologize for not responding sooner to your comments here. I often look for replies in my email, but more often than not, I miss them and so have to come to this site directly to check. I think what Strahlen said is spot-on. And as others have mentioned, my article was not intended for those in marriages that have gone through the fire, so to speak, and have no hope of reconciliation. And this doesn’t just mean physical abuse. Our Lord is a merciful God first and foremost, and sometimes, the only answer to a marriage that is no longer conducive IS divorce – I will always acknowledge that. My article was meant for people who simply base their marriage on a scale of happy vs. unhappy, or on “feeling” rather than truth. And only the parties involved can answer that. I would never ever question anyone for divorcing if they truly have tried all avenues, and even if they haven’t, I am not in any position to judge. I am coming from a child of divorce, where neither of my parents handled it as they should have (but that is a story for another day). Monica, I know you probably won’t even see this as it’s been so long, but your case is not what I was speaking of at all. Porn-addiction is tragic and is a form of adultery which is something Our Lord spoke of as being permissible for divorce (Not that I am saying you should or shouldn’t do anything). And you’re quite right – I don’t have any idea about anyone else’s situation, which is why I said I was speaking about my own. I do hope and pray your situation is better today than it was a year ago…my heart goes out to you.

    4. I agree with you. Life can be long and no one should have to live an unhappy life! I don’t think that is what Jesus meant or wanted. As you said, where is the compassion for the unhappy or abused person?? We deserve happiness to! It makes no sense to have to suffer in a bad marriage only to uphold the tradition of marriage! I don’t think that’s what Jesus wanted! You have the right to be happy and not to be controlled! If that means leaving your unhappy marriage, then so be it!

  3. I have to say that this post really hurt me. As someone struggling in an unhappy marriage and fighting for it despite instances of infidelity and an ongoing porn addiction, you have no idea what those of is considering divorce are going through. As much as I want to make it work for the children, how much more can a person take? If the marriage is so poisonous that it affects me as a mother, don’t I have the right to try to free myself? You probably think that I am not open to the spirit and that’s why I’m going through this, right

    1. Hi Monica – Did anyone respond to your comment here? I am so sorry for what you are going through.

      My ex left suddenly when I was 5 months pregnant with our 5th little boy. He texted me to let me know he had filed for a divorce when the baby was 3 days old and the rest goes downhill from there.

      I’m throwing a lot into my response to you, but let me also answer those who wrote about the annulment process by saying that it is not always healing. My ex filed for the annulment, and, with no advocates available and still being emotionally shaken, I was forced into this process as well – and most of the clergy and people in the archdiocesan headquarters were not very kind. One was downright cruel. I am waiting well over a year after the annulment was filed with no results, and what is worse is that I feel as though, as the “defendant?” I was accused unjustly by those I met with.

      That said, I think we need to have faith in the teachings of Jesus Christ and the holy Catholic church rather than in the people who, with varying degrees of knowledge, ability, empathy, whatever, deliver or enact those teachings. Also, when we are sensitive to issues, as I can be, it feels like everyone is judging us or telling us what is best for our situation when they really have NO idea of what our lives are like. I do believe divorce is an ALMOST never situation. Too many people divorce for reasons of being “happy” when definitions of happiness come and go and divorce often puts parental happiness above child happiness which can’t be right.

      I think that’s what the article was trying to say about divorce and happiness (or maybe that’s what I am taking from it. I don’t want to put words in the author’s mouth) Divorce for happiness sake is wrong, but, Monica, You are not talking about that. I have also been through some abusive situations and kind of always thought it was my fault or expected because “everybody” does it and so on. It took my husband leaving and a total crisis of my faith, and it’s something I am really just figuring out even now, but I now realize that God wants me to honor ALL of His creation – myself included. That is amazing to me. God Loves ME and wants me to honor MYSELF, not through false happiness or fleeting pleasures but through valuing myself enough to not put myself at risk.

      I am telling you this because you may be in a similar situation. Leaving a marriage because it is seriously causing harm to you (physical, mental, or emotional and only you can truly judge that and weigh the effects leaving will have for your children against staying – and there will be more effects than you may think) is not always be a bad thing. Leaving and praying may be what you need to care for God’s beautiful creation (meaning you and your children). I don’t know if you should or not. I am not qualified to judge. I just don’t want you to succumb to the hurt this article or others inflicted or the “poison” in your marriage.

      Also, leaving for your safety does not mean you must get a divorce for your safety. As much as we may not want to hear it, our husbands still have value and our Father is also their Father. Jesus came to save all of us, and our husbands need saving.

      The church is made up of people trying their best to live by and teach what they have learned from Jesus, the Bible, and those more qualified, but they make mistakes. Try not to put your faith in those teaching or writing, but in the teachings and the writings given by the Lord Himself.

      Finally, you said you assumed people would think you are going through this because you are not open to the Sprit. I don’t think for a minute that you’re going through this because you’re not open. I think maybe the Spirit knows you have it in you and in Him to overcome this. You are not battling this alone. God is always with you and He does not give you more than you can handle so He must think you are powerful enough to handle big things. Find that power.

      Finally, I apologize for taking so long, I just want you to know these last things. God created you in His image so you have value. You are special and Loved by the mighty and powerful God. Because of that, You have power. You are not alone.

      I speak of my story and my faith on my blog http://www.SingleMomSmiling.com and I will add you to my prayers tonight. God Bless…

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  5. I think both Tolstoy and you are right. Unhappy families are similar and happy families are similar. I think Tolstoy was just a sucker for writing about tragedy

  6. Hmmm! As a counselor I am sure that you are familiar with Martha Stout, PhD (faculty of Harvard School of Medicine (psychology) 25 years) and her research that 1 in 25 people are sociopaths…generally happy people with no conscience or empathy. Anyone who is married to a sociopath should run as fast as possible. No amount of grace, sacrament or therapy can re-wire a brain which is mis-wired. These people are not fixable and divorce or escape is the only real alternative.

    1. Yes Phil, and thank you for your insight. There are definitely very real reasons that a divorce should indeed happen (when the question of safety is involved), as with a sociopath…you’re right – run away!!

  7. Dear Robbe,

    While I understand your concern about people trying to solve the problem of their unhappiness in their marriage by divorce, I do note the availability of the annulment process in the Roman Catholic Church. See Catechism at http://www.scborromeo.org/ccc/p2s2c3a7.htm#1629 and the Wikipedia overview at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Annulment_(Catholic_Church).

    The Roman Catholic approach of annulment does understand that the civil divorce process will address secular concerns and that the declaration of nullity will solve the sacrament of matrimony concerns.

    The concerns that are left involving all of the parties, including the children of course, are still to be dealt with and may have to be addressed for the rest of the parties lives. Hopefully over time, forgiveness will overcome any lingering hurts and the lessons learned from the attempt to cure unhappiness in this manner will become clear.

    When God puts two together, happiness does follow. When two people put themselves together, without God’s input, the risk of unhappiness is always there. To me this is why I am not as worried about civil marriages per se. There are always ways of processing them.

    However, the sacrament of matrimony offers supernatural grace that civil marriages do not.When the conditions for annulment exist, but are not pursued, the problem of divorcing is compounded for Roman Catholics. The declaration of nullity for a Roman Catholic in an unhappy marriage may well be the road to happiness because it makes the supernatural graces of matrimony available again. All involved have the opportunity to understand the desire for matrimony and not just a civil marriage.

    Thus, out of even this unhappiness, God through our Church, has found a way to restore happiness and let the rain of tears be transformed into the reign of forgiveness.

    Your friend,

    John

    1. Excellent commentary John, and I thank you for bringing up the annulment process. I have more than one dear friend who is struggling with this, and you’ve reminded me to keep them in my prayers. You are right of course, when you stated – out of even this unhappiness, God through our Church, has found a way to restore happiness and let the rain of tears be transformed into the reign of forgiveness – What a beautiful way to say that. Kudos my friend!

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